by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor
Thursday, July 4th, 2013, (Confirmed Satire)
(WASHINGTON) — A “hot mic” has apparently picked up some very unflattering words from President Obama this Fourth of July, and may plunge him deeper into some very hot water.
“Hot” or “open mics” frequently catch public figures unknowingly expressing their true feelings, usually with colorful language (prime example: in 2000, then presidential candidate George W. Bush was caught complaining to vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney that a reporter covering their campaign was a “major league asshole”). However Obama’s “slip” while exiting the balcony of the White House after his fifth Independence Day address may well exceed the average “hot mic faux pas.”
The smaller of Obama’s two microphones, which was clipped inches below Obama’s shirt collar, was supposed to have been turned off immediately after his closing remarks to guests and reporters on the White House lawn. But the microphone remained “hot,” catching the President muttering: “God, this holiday sucks! All this national pride shit get’s on my nerves.”
Obama’s candid comments are sure to further drag down his approval ratings, as recent scandals involving the IRS, the Benghazi terrorist attacks, and massive spying on average citizens by the NSA have sunk Obama’s approval numbers below that of former president George W. Bush. It took Obama thirty seconds before he completely exited the White House balcony and removed his microphone, during which it picked up more utterances by the Commander-in-Chief, none of which pundits view will help his ratings any time soon.
“You’d think we’d stop celebrating the birth of the worst imperial power in history –but nooooo…we have to do this flag-waving bullshit every year,” Obama muttered more as he made his way from the podium. “I can’t believe I have to miss a good day of golf for this crap!”
Although Obama’s presumably inaudible words were not heard nearly as loudly as his official Independence Day speech, a few reporters and attendees close to the speakers beneath the White House balcony heard him distinctly. Obama tacked on a couple more self-pitying quips before removing his clip-on mic, “…Could have been at Oakmont with Jay-Z now trying out that new Callaway set Alec (Baldwin) gave me last year! Damn this day sucks!”
Reporters, Americans React to Obama’s “Hot Mic” Faux Pas
“This was definitely the worst ‘hot mic’ incident I’ve ever heard,” said reporter Dave Boyer of the Washington Times. “I’ve heard a lot of politicians say candid things when they’ve thought no one was listening, but this takes the cake. (Obama’s) comments were very insulting and shocking.”
David Cornhole of the far-Left Mother Jones magazine was even closer to Obama and concurs with Boyer’s accounts…as well as with President Obama.
“Now this is the Obama we should really be hearing each Independence Day, not a president feeding us all the usual ‘USA-rah-rah-rah’ b.s.!” said a gleaming Cornhole after Obama’s speech and accompanying overheard complaints. “Every year we have to hear about how great our country is and what a blessing that it was founded, and what a great bunch of guys the Founding Fathers were, instead of the racist, sexist, homophobic religious zealots they really were and what a dismal, hypocritical cesspool of exploitative capitalism this country of toothless imbeciles really is.”
Added Mother Jones’ Cornhole, “I mean, sure, America has saved the world from tyranny and Fascist annihilation on a few occasions, and gives money once and a while to save poor brown kids around the world. But can all of that humanitarian crap outweigh our sins —denial of gay rights alone?”
Other journalists are looking at Obama’s publically unintended comments a little more objectively, trying to “read more” into to what the President “really meant” as he walked away from the podium Thursday. Explaining what she thought of Obama’s open mic remarks after his balcony speech, CNN’s Jessica Yellin said, “Comments? What comments?”
Americans who may have heard, or at least heard of the President’s unintentionally aired blasts of America’s birthday are reacting with expected anger, with some exceptions. Said notoriously incendiary Professor Erik Loomis of the University of Rhode Island, “I understand Obama’s frustration with having to go through the perfunctory task of commemorating the birth of a nation that has inflicted such much pain on people, minus one…or two…or three-hundred million it saves occasionally. It must be hard to pull off, but it looks like we finally have a president who just can’t take towing the patriotic (expletive)anymore.”
Frederick Dunn, a Tea Party activist and Revolutionary War re-enactor traveled to D.C. from Atlanta to take part in the nation’s 237’s birthday celebration, was outraged by the comments caught by President. To Dunn, Obama better apologize for his comments, and fast, “Or else I’ll never vote for a third party again that helped put (Obama) in the White House in the first place –ever!” said the 61-year-old history buff and pawn shop owner.
Some unlikely political pundits are also bashing Obama for his comments and his “stupidity” in thinking no one would hear him in such a public forum. Said former Special Advisor for Green Jobs to the Obama White House, Van Jones, to Duh Progressive Thursday evening, “I admire Barack. Everyone knows that. I worked for him, but even I’m upset by these comments he let ‘slip’ with an open mic around,” Jones told Duh Progressive assistant editor, Michael Madshack.
The fact that Obama was caught complaining of wanting to rather be off playing “a historically White male sport” on a day that celebrates the “establishment of White male hegemony in the Western Hemisphere” is degrading, said Jones. “(Obama) should have been playing basketball or chess with some old Black hobo in a park or something,” Jones said via phone interview. “…Go work a soup line at a homeless shelter, or go spray graffiti somewhere on the monuments or something. Just do something that is not permeated by the very people who created this nation with the intent to repress minorities, women, exploit the poor, and who also didn’t lift a damn finger to recycle any of their metal cans or plastic goods!”
Fellow commentators like Mother Jones’ David Cornhole disagree, urging Obama to “tell it like it is” in his three remaining Fourths of July addresses. Said Cornhole Thursday afternoon, “…In fact, I e-mailed my thoughts and comments to Mr. Obama so he can use them in next year’s Independence Day speech.”
Surprisingly, Cornhole said he actually received an e-mail directly from the President shortly after praising Obama’s candor and egging him on more for next year. According to Cornhole, Obama’s e-mail read: “Don’t worry, I’m on it!”